It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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