Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
