god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
