Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
