i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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