I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
