half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
