I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
