shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
