Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
