He told me they were just razor bumps!
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
