dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
