He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
