wrigley field is MILF paradise
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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