I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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