Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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