I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
