I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
The beer is more important than you right now.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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