I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
