She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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