I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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