He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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