I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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