look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
