you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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