I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
