Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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