We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
