Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
