Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
