I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This baby is an asshole
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
