Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
