I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
If I die, sorry about rent.
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