So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
