Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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