I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
