dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
