Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
