whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
