I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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