Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
