oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
