Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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