I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
