i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I think my moral compass just broke
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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