I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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