the condom got lost in my hair
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
