I accidentally burped into my bong.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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