people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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