Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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