You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
